Well today was very interesting. I managed to get both children to church. That was an eventful experience. My son excepted Jesus Christ as his savior a year ago. I have been saved for about 2 years. My daughter is another story all together. I believe that she is still angry at God for taking her Mom home. I can understand that because my son and I were the same way.
When my daughter gets mad at someone. She holds it for quite awhile. She has said I still believe in God and Jesus, But i am mad at him. Hopefully she will move on. At least that is what I pray.
After church we went to one of the members homes for a picnic. My son who is kind of socially challenged had a great time. My daughter is a typical teenager. Nothing interested her. She is very friendly and respectful to everyone. But you can tell she isn't having a good time. But we lasted for two hours. For them is was a great accomplishment.
So by now your asking yourself why is this so interesting? Because it was something out of the normal routine for me. My life is usually work, home, and bed. That is a pretty boring life style. I want to come out of my shell. Why because I have been mourning the loss of my wife of twenty years for three years. I am starting to realize I cannot let that define me.
So what else have I been doing to maybe break this cycle. I have been reconnecting with some old friends. I am trying to start dating again. I have met a women my age, and I will see where that goes. Again I am trying to overcome my loneliness, and feelings a despair. I just need to find my gifts again and run with them. Well God bless everyone.

Absolutly Terrified

Well it is finally happening. My lovely daughter has graduated high school. She leaves for college in 2 months, and i am terrified.
I wonder if this is what empty nest syndrome feels like. I am coming to realize at my age. That I have never been really alone. When my wife died. I replaced her by focusing on my kids. Now they're older an leaving. I am terrified.
This is truly my adventure. Somehow I am afraid of screwing this up. I can barely afford my rent. No college degree of my own. I was taught that a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food on the table. That was all you needed. I think somehow There was probably supposed to be more. I just missed it or chose not to go after it. I have somehow let my fear of failing overshadow everything in my life.
All I have to say is that time for a change. God tells us that he will provide. I have to have faith that he will. But only if we help as well. Not let him do all the work.
That's all for now. Will keep you updated

I am back

Well it is time to get some writing done. I know folk's it has been awhile. I promise that this time i will keep more up to date. I plan on a schedule of blogging twice a week. Topics will include social issues, my work,faith, and dating at 50. I hope people will follow along. It has been a strange journey.
I also have a blog going on Word press.com. If you want to know where just ask. I hope to get some type of feedback and make some friends along the way. Stay tuned.

SEEKING THE WAY

Okay folks Back to my writing. I have pretty lazy, and out of it for awhile. So my apologies to everyone. Today in church had a very interesting discussion. Oh yeah and my son found Jesus as his own personal savior. He was baptized and I hope God blesses him and guides him through his life.
Back to today's discussion. How can we as Christians emulate Jesus values while he was here?
The thing that I thought was interesting. Was God was here on earth for thirty years and no one ever noticed. It reminded me of that song from a few years ago. "What if Go were one of us."
It brought up some great ideas. Like if the media found out. how would they approach him/her.
Give him there own television show. Maybe instead of the apprentice. How about the "Disciple."
Maybe a CNN could pair him/her up with Larry king for a new talk show format.
I suppose my question to God is always the same. If anyone can fix stupid it is him. The answer for me is always the same. Stupid or intelligent, white, black , green, or yellow. He loves us all equally. The greatest thing I have learned is love should be unconditional. After all I am far from perfect. I am a sinner, and have no right to judge others for what they believe or don't.
My belief and prayer is that I am thankful for everything God blesses me with each day. Even when my day truly sucks.
So I end the way I began. What if God was one of us?

Okay so it has been awhile since I posted last. Where have I been, and what have I been doing? Those are all good questions. The answer is I have been observing my surroundings. I have been taking care of my daughter. I also have been pondering if writing is really what I want to do. All these things have been time consuming. Also I have been sleeping. My employment has been quite busy.
First on my surroundings. The world in which I and the rest of humanity lives. What an exciting week it has been. First our president and congress are going to overhaul the health care system. I really want to see them pull this one off. I have a couple of misgivings about this idea. One is that the government working on health care is extremely scary. I understand the idea behind it. But look at the Veterans administration hospital. That is government in medical care. They are not noted for their great care. Second I had a patient from England tell me. "Do I know why everyone from Europe comes to America for health care? Because socialized medicine doesn't work very well." Second he says "Americans have ruined the English language. What do you think they will do to socialized medicine?" I started to laugh because he was kind of correct.
Next while all this is going on. The country becomes more interested in the case of the angry professor vs the police officer. Talk about changing the subject. The funniest thing was the President's remark. He doesn't have all the facts so unilaterally the police acted stupidly. Well I know how to to gallbladder surgery. Does that make me the surgeon? Duh. I can see it now. He opens his mouth off prompter, and white house press secretary has a stroke. Never let him play with guns or cross the street by himself. Due I have a take on this story? Yes I do.
A call is made to the police. A black man is breaking into a house. The police respond and with that general description I am pretty sure they aren't looking for a hispanic or white guy. They get to the house and find a black man breaking in, but it is his house. He is tired from long flight. It is eighty degrees out and muggy. Tempers are high on both sides. People yelling, and bingo police arrest the man. Now he shouts " is this what happens to a black man in America?" He introduces the race card. Because when you have no other defense when your acting out of anger, and lack of rest. Plus the indignity of being arrested in your own neighborhood. Yeah a little pissed I can understand. If it was me I would have probably reacted the same way. What I am trying to say is that both sides are equally to blame. The professor because anger, pride, and lack of rest equal an very human response. The police because lack of knowledge can be just as volatile. Lets all just try to learn from this and move on. The war in Afghanistan, and Iraq is still going on. Americans are still out of work. Children are still dying for all the wrong reasons. So let's just move on.
I will be writing the rest of my musings that i have discovered this past week. Hope all of you are well in your lives. May God bless you all, and keep you safe.

What you really don't want to hear.

I was at work the other day, and as I was walking around the unit. I was struck my the multiple conversations that were going on. I also thought some of them were quite amusing. It taught me a valuable lesson. That eavesdropping is not a good thing in a hospital.
Some of the following actually occurred.
Doc 1" So where do you think it is connected?"
Doc 2 " Don't know I was just wondering where it comes out?"
Doc 1 " It comes out?" said with some surprise
Doc 2" yep, because if you don't get it out of there. Can't put a new one in it's place."
They are actually talking about moving a computer station for the new lab. They closed the curtain so no one would see them looking online at the design. I had thought they they were doing a procedure. another fine example occurred just yesterday.
Nurse " I don't think you want to do that."
Patient " Yes you want it to swell as big as you can"
Nurse " come on how big can it get?"
Patient" Well last time one swelled so big my girlfriend missed it coming "
Nurse" Yeah wouldn't want to mess around with something that big. I would want to see that coming."
I then asked to come in as I entered the patient was sitting there fully clothed. Showing pictures to the nurse of his trip surfing in Hawaii. The were talking the size of the waves he was seeing. I just started laughing. I have since learned not to really listen to only partial conversations
Enjoy your weekend and let me know if anything like that has happened to you.

I WANT TO UNDERSTAND ?

When is it enough with your children? When do you say? " I cannot except this anymore." That is what I have reached with my son. It has been 9 months since he has worked. In that time he has had 6 job interviews. He seems perfectly content with his situation. I don't understand this because my wife and myself taught both of our children. That you need to work and get an education to survive. Yet he just sits around watching TV,or playing on the computer. When he supposed to be looking for work.
I love my children to a fault. People tell me including my daughter. You need to kick him out. I can't seem to bring myself to do that. First I don't think he will survive. He doesn't drive ( a fact a cannot possibly understand). He just doesn't care about anything.
Early on when this started. I had asked him "Is this because of your mom? Do you miss her that much? That you've given up on yourself." He said "no, I just can't seem to find work."
When my wife died he was working. He was a grocery clerk part-time. Our family need more income. So I asked him if he could increase his work hours. He was working only 15 to16 hour per week. He said " sure" with his usually dopey grin.
In the coming weeks though his pay was less some weeks and increased in others. He had stories of it was payrolls fault. He would make up the difference the following week.This went on for about 6 months. Then one fine day. I found out he had been fired the previous week. When I asked what for he said" he had been stealing to make up the difference in his pay." I couldn't believe this. He hadn't been raised to steal, and I admit my response was way over the top. You see he was nineteen. So I reacted by kicking him out. I know dumb way to respond. Kid loses his mom, steals ,So dad boots him out the door.
After I cooled down. I went and found him. He was at the library. He had walked around for hours, and ended up there. I brought him home and we worked through it. He again found work after 5 months. He last 3 when he got laid off. That was last October. I kept us afloat while he obtained unemployment. That is about a quarter of what he was earning a week when he was working.
The one thing I want you to understand. I don't make a lot of money. Living in Massachusetts is expensive. My income falls between good to bad. I make enough to support my family gross pay wise. But after taxes, medical,dental, eye coverage. I make enough to support a family of two. I don't qualify for any assistance, because I make to much. But when you figure my take home pay I qualify for rent assistance,food stamps. Isn't funny how the government wants to help. But are using income figures from 1963. When I asked why? They said because if they updated them, more people would qualify. "We can't be helping everyone now could we?" the clerk said to me. WOW! so much for we are bringing about change.
So I will sit and cool down. I will pray and ask god to help me through this problem. I just need time. How much only the finance company, and the landlord know for sure. God will help me through this in that I have faith.