Wednesday, June 17, 2009

The worst day of my life

I know it has been a few days since my last blog. But I have been trying to think and consider what I wanted to write. I am housebound today. that is due to the fact of my car is in the shop. So I think today should be like my car. Getting a tune up and changing the oil. so how to start is at the begining. The last day I saw the woman I loved after 21 years of marriage.
Patti as I have written before had been ill for quite some time. Migraines were her latest symptom. She would average 2 to 3 a week. She was trying every known remedy the doctors and friends would tell her about. I mean Reiko, to botox injections, and medications. They would ease the pain just never cure it. She had neuropathy in her legs and feet, she was on anti rejection medication for her kidney transplant. To all of you this may describe a woman in her 50's or 60's. Patti was 46, and had been this way since she was 35. But never a complaint did she utter to anyone but me. Her hospitalizations would be about every other month. When she first came down with renal failure and was placed on dialysis. She developed a seizure disorder. Which no one could diagnose, because they were masked by her diabetes. But still I loved her, and cared for her. I was once told other men would have walked with this going on. Me i decided it was for better or worse, and she was my best friend. She understood me, and my mood swings. My flaws and short comings. So she still loved me.
We had our problems. The usual I wasn't working hard enough. Making enough money. Not taking life seriously enough. Arguing was usually how our days went, and being angry at each other was how our nights went. But still we loved each other.
Mothers day weekend 2 years ago change my cycle of life. Patti was taking Nicole( my daughter) and going to the cape. So she could help take care of her mom who was seriously ill. I was going to have a couple of days with John to do father and son stuff. We would meet on the Sunday and go out for dinner to celebrate mother's day.Instead I spent Mother's day Planning my wife's funeral, not how envisioned it.
I kissed he goodbye, and hugged my daughter. Patti gave me my to do list, and said she would call me.
All day I didn't hear from her. Nicole called me and told me mommy was sick, she was throwing up and felt really sleepy. By 10:30 that night I finally talked to her. I offered immediately to come get her. She sounded tired and distant. She said" no it was just a bug" I felt something was wrong.I told her if she didn't feel any better go to the hospital. She said " okay I will have my sister take me in the morning."
The next day John and I went to do our thing. I had called my in laws house Nicole said Mom was sleeping, and had just asked for a blanket." have her call me on my cell when she gets up." I just had a feeling something wasn't right. A couple of hours later john answered my cell, and said" dad it's Nicole and she is crying."
"What's wrong"
"Mommies really." she was barely understandable.and then I heard my sister-in law come on the line.
"Shawn come quick I can't wake Patti up."
I drove the hour in a half drive in under 40minutes. When I arrived at the hospital, The ER receptionist told me to follow her. As we walked into the back she took me to the door marked ' Family Room' , and I knew it was bad. I walked in and Nicole was crying. My sister in law informed me that my Patti was gone, My mind said " You're wrong. Patti gets sick ,goes to the hospital gets better, and comes home." I had lost my wife, my best friend, and the only person I truly and honestly trusted.
Even after 25 months the pain and loss still feel like it did on the first day. So don't let anyone else tell you it get easier, because that is a lie. The pain just comes and goes like the tide. What you have to do is just be ready to surf the waves.
God bless and Keep on writing

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